I missed you

To my baby Jay Yay (14 Oct - 27 Oct 2014) , I dedicate this blog specially for you. 23 days had passed since you left us. And I still missed you dearly. Not one day had gone without me crying my heart out for you. It had been the hardest thing for me to let you go. I had decided to write all my thinking and love for you in this blog.

For almost 5 year that I wanted to have you but God was not fair by taking you away from me after you were born and with us for a short period of 13 days. In my heart, I know you were suffering by seeing all the tubes and medication you were taking but part of me wish that you could still stay on a bit longer. I was not given the chance to take care of you and hold you.

I haven't had the chance to give you a bath, bring you home and show you your two brothers. There were lots of things that I wish we had a chance to do together but was not permitted. I envy all the other mothers that can bring their baby back and complaints about their babies. Everyday, I keep thinking if you were here what we would be doing. Looking at the empty baby bed that I prepared for you, my heart ache more. I know that when you left us, my heart was half gone with you. I also asked myself, what had I done wrong to have had you suffered and left us empty here. Is it I was not a good person and not helping others, why God had been so cruel to give me hope of having you and to take you away from me???

I just want to tell you that mummy love you very much, thank you for being my son eventhough it was for a short while. Mummy hope that you are happier now. You will always be in my heart.