想念你

宝贝，妈咪很想你。你在哪里？你有想妈咪吗？有就来看看妈咪好吗？

1st December

烨烨，today is the 1st of December already. If you were here, you will be almost be one and a half month old. Mummy missed you and thinking of you always. Life without seem very incomplete. Our family will always be incomplete without you

Small kinmen

Baby, today we took a domestic plane to kinmen and visited the small old island where your grandparent originate from. Just lots of trees and small old houses.  Was traveling the whole time therefore didn't have time to blog and talk to you. Missing you still and love you forever. 

You are always in my thought

很想很想你

烨烨，妈咪看到阿姨的女儿就想起你。妈咪眼泪又掉了。很想很想抱抱你。

早安宝贝

早安宝贝，今天我们会到金门。妈咪好想带你过去。妈咪很想你。给你一个吻。妈咪爱你。

Busy day

Baby, today was a busy day walking around. I got no internet and not much time to use my phone so I didn't write to you. But nevertheless you are still in mummy's mind, heart and soul. There is no one sec that mummy is not thinking about you and hoping you are here with us. Missing you and loving you always

Morning

Morning my baby, where are you? What you doing? If you were here, you would be having your shower by mummy and after tat during your milk.. Mummy missed the chance to do all these things with you.. Hope you are here.

Back ache

Baby, yesterday as we were walking back to hotel mummy's back start to ache and it made me think of you when you were still inside mummy's tummy. It really hurt to think about the time you were there and not being here with us.. Missing you greatly.. This was my feeling last time. 28.11.2014 10pm

Baby cloth

Just now mummy and daddy brought your two big brother to see toys and just happened that just next to all the baby clothes. And straight away mummy thought of you, and it made mummy's heart ache coz it made mummy thought of you and that you not here with us anymore.. Tears start to flow out of mummy's eyes. Not a very good feeling. Wishing you were here with mummy. 28.11.2014 8.30pm

想念你

宝贝，妈咪又想你了。你在哪里？你有想妈咪吗？妈咪很想看到你。你在这就好。

人在台湾，心在你那

烨烨，我们在台湾了。妈咪人在台湾可是心还是很痛。还是很想妈咪的宝贝烨烨。他们说烨烨会在天上看妈咪，可是妈咪一直看天空缺看不到宝贝你。妈咪真的很累很伤心。 你真的看住我们吗？

One month...

Baby Yay, it's been a month since your left us and choose to fly to the sky.. And for a month, mummy had been shading continuous tears for you. Are you missing  us too while you are there. It had been the hardest month for mummy as I had lost you. Mummy love you forever and you will be in mummy's heart forever.

At Brunei airport

Yay, we are now at the Brunei Airport waiting to board the plane to KK. Everyone is excited about the trip. However mummy doesn't feel excited at all, coz you are not here with us. It would be more wonderful if you were with us here. Wishing you were here to joy the excitement and fun. :(

Prepare for our trip to Taiwan

烨烨，we are now preparing our things for our trip to Taiwan tomorrow. At this moment, mummy still thinking about you. Wishing you were here so that we can go Taiwan together. Without you here it feel that our family are still not complete as a family. Baby, mummy would give anything just to have you here. Mummy know that sadly that you would not be coming back.. The feeling is really very bad and heart aching. Wishing you are here for mummy to hug and love. Missing and love you always my baby Jay Yay.

You are the best thing that happened to me

I will love till we meet again

25 November

This morning mummy woke up feeling empty as the room was silent- no sound from your brothers or your daddy and most of all your voice. Mummy's heart felt empty and start thinking and missing you and small drops of tears started to drop from my eyes. Mummy looked at your pictures and missing everything about you. When downstairs and received a call from your Aunty and we went for breakfast. Mummy felted better but still missing you dearly howevet mummy didn't cry.

This afternoon mummy was busy packing and getting ready for our short holiday to Taiwan tomorrow.

Mummy wished you were here so we can bring you too.. 

烨烨，妈咪爱你一辈子

Still can't control my emotion

Just now mummy went for a check up on my thyroid. When the doctor asked about you, mummy broke down in tears. Mummy still cannot control mummy 's emotion when asked about you. Mummy really miss you here....

Wish I could go back time

You are my missing piece in life

How I go through life without you

A million times

My angel baby Jay Yay

Hoping that it's all a bad dream

'Please dear god please wake me up and tell me that all these is a bad dream.' Everyday Mummy wake up this is all the thought mummy have in my mummy's mind. That you being gone is all a bad dream. Mummy always hope that mummy can wake up to see your smile, your cry, your noise wanting mummy to hold you, kiss you and feed you.. But this bad dream just never seem to go away. And mummy have to live on having to bear this painful and broken heart and face the world..why and why it is that we have to be apart..

My Precious Jay Yay

Sometimes I just can't believe you are gone

A part of me

我的孩子

我的孩子你在哪里？妈咪很难过。在这个世界看不到你。你叫妈咪怎么样活下去。妈咪要怎么样走下去。天天只可以在这里哭，在这里伤心难过。宝贝你可以到妈咪的梦里妈？可以让妈咪安心，让我看看你。

对不起，宝贝

对不起，宝贝是妈咪害了你。如果妈咪早点叫医生来看你，你有可能今天还活着。是妈咪没用，不是个好妈咪，没照顾到你。请你原谅妈咪的粗心，妈咪的错。妈咪真的没有心害你的。妈咪很后悔没做到一个妈妈因慨要做到的。请求你原谅妈咪。请你回来妈咪的身边。你在哪妈咪很心痛。你快快回来知道吗？妈咪在这里等你回来。我们约定了，好吗？

Your silent tip toe

You are still alive in my heart

We will meet again

What I would give for just one more time to say I love you

If I could visit you in heaven

妈咪很想去找你！

妈咪很想现在去天堂找你。你会在那等妈咪吗？你在哪里有人照顾你吗？妈咪当心你在哪里没人理， 没人爱，没人照顾你。你这莫小。没妈咪在身边一定很可怜。妈咪很想跟你在一起。那妈咪可以照顾你。

You were Real

Missed you like crazy

Always and Forever

Till we meet again

Mummy's words

My silent child

Wish that these are the words you will tell me

Your smell

We went for our vaccination and JY was using the hand sanitizer. The smell is the smell that I remember you. Now I realized that is the smell of the sanitizer... My baby you must have suffered a lot when you were in SCBU. Thank you for hanging on for almost two weeks.. 

I'll walk forever just to see you

Tears in heaven - song for you my baby

https://www.facebook.com/AngelBabyInc/posts/880508961972809

I Never

This poem really reflect how Mummy felt and say all the words that Mummy wished to say to you my beloved angel baby Jay Yay 

想抱你

烨烨，妈咪很想抱抱你， 很想和你说话，很想要亲亲你， 很想要看到你，你可以来给妈咪看到你吗？你可以来妈咪的梦里吗？

You will always be in my heart

你在哪里？

宝贝，你在哪里？妈咪很想你。

早安

烨烨，早安。妈咪生病了。不知道是不是想你想太多了。妈咪还是不能相信你走了。妈咪天天在想什么你要走。这答案不知道几时才有答案。

天天起来都很想你的走是个魔梦。为什么是你？妈咪真的很心痛。妈咪真的不知道要怎么样走下去。

😭

烨烨， 妈咪很想你。😫 你在哪里？

Your left a lifetime of love

My angel Jay Yay, I Love you

Show off with you

Laying down here on the couch, mummy wish you were here so mummy can play with you and bathe you and take pictures of you and show your cute growing pictures to the world in Facebook.. It is really heart aching to see all the wonderful pictures of other peoples' baby growing up and not able to see you grow day by day.. I remember holding your tiny hand and smelling you, even though it was for a short while but mummy really missed it. 

Woke up early

Today mummy woke up early as mummy's breast is full of milk that was supposed to be expressed for you. But you are not there to receive this milk of love from mummy. Woke up feeling lost and sad just like the dark weather outside. Mummy's heart felt empty wishing you were here and thinking 'what if my baby Jay Yay was here he will be waking up for milk and mummy can hold Jay Yay and bond with him'.. But all was a dream that mummy wish that it would come true. Wishing that there was a door or phone to heaven where mummy can get a chance to call you and hold you feeling your warm in mummy's arm.. Wishing you were here.. 😢

Scare of not able to hold my feeling

Mummy is sitting here waiting for your big brother to finish his music class but the feeling of waiting is not so good. I wish that his class was over so we can go home coz mummy fear that if his teacher ask about how are you doing that Mummy will burst into tears again that you are now in heaven and not with us. Wishing that you were here every minutes and that mummy no need to have these kinds of feelings...


Once your older brother JY's music class finished, mummy quickly brought your two brother to the exit door while mummy saw that the music teacher was there looking at mummy and wanting to say something. We left quickly with a smile and later in the car mummy asked is it the music teacher know where you are. JY say yes that his music teacher asked him about you and JY told her, " our baby is in heaven now". Those words brought tears to mummy's eyes. Coz reality really hurts and mummy had to bear with this for the rest of mummy's life.

How I feel everyday..

I missed you

To my baby Jay Yay (14 Oct - 27 Oct 2014) , I dedicate this blog specially for you. 23 days had passed since you left us. And I still missed you dearly. Not one day had gone without me crying my heart out for you. It had been the hardest thing for me to let you go. I had decided to write all my thinking and love for you in this blog.

For almost 5 year that I wanted to have you but God was not fair by taking you away from me after you were born and with us for a short period of 13 days. In my heart, I know you were suffering by seeing all the tubes and medication you were taking but part of me wish that you could still stay on a bit longer. I was not given the chance to take care of you and hold you.

I haven't had the chance to give you a bath, bring you home and show you your two brothers. There were lots of things that I wish we had a chance to do together but was not permitted. I envy all the other mothers that can bring their baby back and complaints about their babies. Everyday, I keep thinking if you were here what we would be doing. Looking at the empty baby bed that I prepared for you, my heart ache more. I know that when you left us, my heart was half gone with you. I also asked myself, what had I done wrong to have had you suffered and left us empty here. Is it I was not a good person and not helping others, why God had been so cruel to give me hope of having you and to take you away from me???

I just want to tell you that mummy love you very much, thank you for being my son eventhough it was for a short while. Mummy hope that you are happier now. You will always be in my heart.